I have never been a soldier except in my childhood games.
I have never pushed my physical endurance to the edge.
Only theorized about the forces of good and evil,
never confronted them face to face.
Never looked death in the eye
to determine whether I would blink.
Never had to ask myself whether I could pull the trigger,
to take a life.
Never had to test my metal in the face of the enemy.
Decide whether I could lay my body upon a grenade
so others might live,
discover whether I could subordinate myself to the good of all.
- after having endured all this,
- killed for the greater good,
- saw friends expire in my arms,
- watched my duty commingle with evil
and worry whether I could tell the difference….
I was never left to wonder,
about the essence of my being,
and whether it all made any sense.
These things were never in my childhood imagination.
Battles were always won.
I never came home to a sleepless night.
Never dreamed myself in a cockroach infested
VA Hospital.
Never walked the streets
looking for a quarter for a cup of coffee.
Never envisioned a marriage
that would not survive the nightmares.
Never in my synapses
felt the presence of an arm that was not there.
Never felt ostracized by those
who lived back home in comfort and safety
when all I did was perform my duty
as well as any common man when put to the test.
Humbled now by those who lived these things.
In awe of what they have endured.
I salute their valor –
ashamed that all I have, are the war games of my mind.
Ray Brown
